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It's been quite some time since I've needed to write something down here, and I'm not entirely sure why I need to do so right now. However, here I go, spilling my guts out to the world, not knowing who'll see what I've put down here and opening my thoughts to thousands of faceless usernames and some of the few whom I know.

I'm not really sure why. but it feels like the first year of high school all over again. There's a cloud of dread that's hanging over me everytime I start to think of how close I am to starting work. Even if there's nothing final yet, I've got this feeling that employment is just around the corner, whether it comes from someone I don't know who's going to be willing to take a chance at what I can do, or me taking one for the team. By team here, I mean family.
Freshman year in high school was the most frightening year of school I've been through in my life, simply because it was a new turf, with the familiar faces also standing on the same shaky ground I was on, and it didn't matter what I could do academically, what mattered was how strong I was gonna stand my ground against the countless bullies that were standing by, ready to pounce on the fresh meat and establish their territory.
I'm not saying I'm afraid, and I'm not saying that I'm not. The difference between that time and this time, is that my tears were shallow back then, and this time they don't come as easily. Back then, I had no idea what I was standing my ground for, but right now, I'm ready to treat myself as my cause. Call it pride, call it vanity, but that's all I have right now.

And since I've broken my silence with these thoughts, I might as well ask those of you who found the time to read what I have to say a question.

Would you consider someone who only feels alive when he's responsible for a good number of things he thinks are significant as someone insecure?

keep pushing.
just keep pushing.

i feel like im stuck in a piece of literature where the main character does not have any growth.
so i have choices to make. things to change. promises to fulfill.
a journey to take. or more correctly, a journey to end.

so i can begin a new one. so i can leave behind everything that i dont have to take with me.

i'll look for where im going to start this journey. and set off on it once i find it.

i dont want to end up drenched in red ink.

we cannot change who we are today.
but we can change who we are tomorrow.

we are products of the choices we made in the past.

spent a few minutes sitting outside tonight. looking up at the sky, i saw that it was painted in colors i have not seen it in before. half of the sky was a dark violet, a bit pinkish but still heavier and darker. the other half was bluish black. it was like even the sky could not make up its mind, about what it could say or could not say to the world. about what it should or shouldn't hide. it was also like God was bribing me with something beautiful, so i'd stop hating him.

i guess im really just the kind of person who's never going to run out of secrets. with so much of myself to hide, i hid everything just so i dont make any mistakes.

those fools who said that we should take pleasure in the secrets we keep, probably didnt have anything darker than gossip-like information to hide.

i long for the day when i wont have to resort to riddles just to say how i feel.

matulog ng mahimbing.
mawala tong sakit sa kaliwang bahagi ng katawan ko.
matulog ng di nag iisip na may nanakaw ng kaluluwa ko pagpikit ko.
gumising ng di hinihiling na kabaong na ang hinihigaan ko.

yun lang naman. is that too much?

with each unit of anger i release, an exponential amount of remorse and guilt comes in. that's why i can't teach you to take the easy way out. i cant teach you to just point your finger and yell your lungs out at the one to blame. because in the end, you'll suffer too. and you dont deserve to.


and right now, i kinda get the feeling that you know this was going to happen. that you knew, somewhere down the road. maybe your smarter than me after all.